| [ | http://www.livejournal.com/users/howto/23823.html | | |
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| Hola |
[Nov. 24th, 2005|03:19 am] |
ahhh im here in my dorm room alone....spending thanksgiving by myself.......lol.......its nice to have some alone time....wow big revalations in my life lately....all i have to say is some things i just didn't want to be true but they are lol........oh life....its so screwed up...well here to say
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Answers Please |
[Jun. 1st, 2005|12:56 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | anything really | ] |
i try to justify the fact that ive been typing all night long but i can't the only reason is that im frustrated i quess...this is just a place to let emotions go....i quess im tired...of reality...but of non-reality too...you know...im just not sure about much anymore...
---so here's a problem...apparently i don't have what it takes to be a music major....the problem being i have nothing else that i can do...i mean really........well piano okay i get im not the best...but im not the worst either....im stuck here and don't know what to do....so ive thought about becoming a gymnastics coach, or professional writer...........or even switching my concentration to voice intstead of piano...but in my frustration i find that no matter what i do ...im just not good enough at anything to make the grade...so what does one do when this happens...when you are told that u can't achieve well anything....well 1st it starts with a depressing feeling for a while...then you get angry and rant rave and bring up all the past pains and all that sort of stuff...then you start questioning everything in your life...and then you are at a point of emptiness b/c you have no idea where you are going or whats the point in finishing college...when you don't have anything to with you life....so u sit and ponder...and think about your brother who is so smart and could do almost anything but sits at home, lives off his parents and wastes his potentional...and he's 23...am i getting anywhere here?....then you wonder what it would be like to have a talent or something that you are good at least...and wonder why he's not out there doing something....i wish i had his potentional but with my drive...i want to get out, move out, be independent...have my own life...declare my independance and achieve something that will help mankind...yet i sit here at summer-school...typing this asking who am i and what is that im good at...the answer well right now its nothing...im left here having to change majors, turning the amount of years at college into gosh knows how many years, i don't want to be here forever, i don't want to have to live every summer at home...but i don't want to be stuck here in sorry old danville either....i just want freedom and purpose....but i lack it all it seems....whats a life that has all the drive but has no purpose and whats a life that has the purpose but no drive....i don't know just questioning...wondering...thinking..............who knows what will come next................ill leave it up to someone else i quess... |
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| ???????????????????? |
[May. 30th, 2005|10:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lifehouse...their new cd | ] |
sitting here at summer school...lol...i quess i didn't have enough during the year...no but really i did...this isn't so bad...less people...less drama...and just some nice alone time...thats always a good thing...
why do we run? why do we run from something we know is true? why do we run from reality?
life is always so strange...i know this life is so weird...its crazy around here....who knows what to do with life...i sure don't...
confused??? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2005|06:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Third Eye Blind | ] |
So here I am. Life just likes to kick me in the butt. However, I keep getting back up and moving on.
life isn't like a box of chocolates---its more like trying to make your way through three dozen thorn bushes only to find a mountain on the otherside
there are so many challenges in life and its hard to keep going but you have too.......
i miss the days when the only wrong was that you didn't know how to tie your shoes.....I really do miss those days........
The joys of childhood.....gone why??? ugh
this is a poem that i wrote back highschool and it was published in the literary magazine
Una Obra Maestra
(Masterpiece)
Dragonflies twirl through air
while abstract colors in grasping
greens and deepened blues
indulge me in the masterpiece.
Yellows flutter across the wind;
the stars peek through the oaks.
Night has awakened
the ripples in God's lake.
I sit mesmerized
by an extraordinary moon
in its soft flushed lights.
When rain falls
across the silent sky,
one drop tickles my nose.
Trying not to think,
I only wish
I never left this place---
mi ninez
Love that poem reminds of loving the snow and how you were so excited about it when you were little......
God bless and luvs
Jesus loves you
Kat |
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| Long Time |
[May. 12th, 2004|10:42 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Usher---Let It Burn | ] |
So I am back at home. Freedoms have been taken away!!! Ah!!! Can't stay out all night anymore. Oh well im going to live. Well Im working at Chesapeake Bagel and having fun. Went to the strip at VA Beach last night with Chris G. Tim and Tiff that was good times. Chris and Tim were so funny cause they wouldn't get in the water. They were like its to freezing. Tiff and I jumped right in. It was great. I finally got Chris to go half way. Tim and Tiff were getting a little cozy. I don't know it I should have let her take him home alone or not. Oh well. Times are always great with Tiff. Erica I miss ya girl. Hope you are doing good. I learned the first chords to seven nation army on my guitar girl. Its awesome ill have to show you when we back to school. Just hanging out. Work gots to be stressful sometimes. I also apologize if I was ever an impaitent customer cause I know how rude they can be now. I got to say let it burn. I love that song. Dangit I just love Usher altogether anyways. So just let burn cause its over. U know who this is. If it doesn't apply to you then don't worry about it. Life is so much easier without a guy in your life. Amen for that. Working on this song for my guitar its pretty awesome. I love it. I cant wait to finsih it. Its probably going to be called Why Won't The Sun Rise Again. Well just thought Id update. God bless and much luvs.
Jesus loves you,
Kat |
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| Fire |
[Mar. 31st, 2004|12:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stand By Me---Ben King | ] |
So a girl on my hall her room caught on fire. Which left lots of damage and caused for a 6:30 wakeup with no shoes standing out in the cold holding a purple bunny which I was not prepared for lol. Well everyone is okay thank goodness. But our freaking fire alarm doesn't work. Well they all say it works fine but really come on. I know it doesn't. It didn't go off. The only reason we got out okay was some girl called security cause she heard the individual alarm in the girls room going off. So security came banging on our doors telling us to get out cause there was a fire. So my whole hall smells of smoke and she lost everything. Thank goodness I just have smoke in my room. So I moved upstairs for a while. Till they can get the smoke out. Oh my what an adventure. Dang. Glad im about to go to bed. Yes yes yes!!! Well God bless and sweet dreams.
Jesus loves you,
Kat |
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| New Life |
[Mar. 20th, 2004|03:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Casting Crowns: If We Are The Body and Who Am I | ] |
Last night though I was deeply touched by something I read in my Purpose Driven Life devotional. I remembered back in my life a few years ago to my stuggles with my brother's abusive behavior towards my family. I struggled so hard to forgive him. I didn't want to even after he made a change and stopped the abuse. Warren states, "Resentment always hurts you more than it does the person you resent. While your offender has probably forgotten the offense and gone on with life, you continue to stew in your pain, perpetuating the past". I was so angry and caught in the hurt that I was feeling that I couldn't get past it. It was hindering my relationship with Christ. Where as my brother had forgotten the hurt he caused me I was still dwelling in it. Not that I didn't have a right to feell hurt but I didn't have a right not to forgive and move on. These days even I have times where I look back and regret that situation. However I know God has used it for the better. Out that experience he made me a stonger Christian. I no longer depend on others but on Christ for he carried me through. Warren states, "Your past is past! Nothing will change it". No matter how much I wish that had never happened and that I could look at my brother the same the situation happened. The point is to get up and move on even during your trying times. God will provide and way out and a shelter for you when you are in trouble. Trust and depend fully on him. No one else will ever be that kind of best friend. God bless. luvs
Jesus loves you,
Kat |
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| holla |
[Mar. 17th, 2004|12:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Come What May---Moulin Rouge Soundtrack | ] |
God has blessed me with all the things have. I thank him even for the bad. Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice. Today is ok still trying to get over this cold. Part of life I quess huh. Oh well. Well God bless everyone and luvs.
Jesus loves you,
Kat |
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| Love |
[Mar. 15th, 2004|04:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Come What May---Moulin Rouge Soundtrack | ] |
What is love? I have no idea sometimes. Good question right? How do you stop loving someone so much? Why do you love those who hurt you more than those who treat you right? Why do you sacrifice things for people who can't sacrifice for you? Why do we turn our backs towards the only person who never betrays? Why do we put love of a person above of our love of God? How can you let go of those you love? Why do I love that person? Why does love not seek you in return from humans? Why can't love be love with the one you want? Why do I love one and he loves another and then her heart is somewhere else? Does love ever cease? Why can't love just be shared with everyone? So many questions and no answers. Love is so confusing!!!!!!!! Ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Crazy times!!!
I wrote this poem a while ago and I think it applies here.
Love What Is It
Love; I say love
You Say love
but what does it really mean.
Does it mean
we've become needles
in a haystack to each other .
Hard to locate
Obstinate
Uncontrolled and angered.
Is it the way
my eyes swell up
in fire as water
cools down
my strawberry
tinted face.
You walk out the door
once again.
Or is it me
when I consider
It's over.
No more turning
on the computer
to be shut down.
Maybe it's
when you take
the soot off your eyes.
Leave trinkets
and notes
hoping for me back.
Is it this basket
we weaved together.
Not promising
full shelter
of the heart.
It is me, you, hate, lies,
commitment, faithfullness, hope.
Love; you say love
I say love
But what does it really mean!!!
So I leave you with the one thing I know for sure about love. That God is love. What more can I really say other than that. Christ loved us more than anyone. He stretched out his arms and died for us. There will never be a love greater than that. So thank you God for love!!! I may never know the answers to these other questions about love. However, I will always have the love of Christ. What is more beautiful than that. Nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God bless. luvs.
Jesus loves you,
Kat |
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| Missions Trip |
[Mar. 13th, 2004|10:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jaci Velaquez | ] |
Saturday, March 13, 2004
well im back. God has really opened my eyes this week on the mission trip in New Orleans. God really worked through me. Jesus is so amazing. It made me realize with have to step out of comfort and risk it all for our faith. The world is so lost. I met so many people. I heard this one guy in wendy's comment that he lost a stock and now all he had in that account was 145,000 dollars. and he was complaining. Then on the other extreme I met this homeless guy Jim. He pulled out 15 dollars and this was probably all he had. But he was thankful for it and told me that it may not be much but it was a lot more than most people have. I was so amazed at his attitude. He greatly touched me. There were just so many great opportunities that I took and passed up. However God was using me and calling me for a greater purpose than I knew. luvs. God bless.
Jesus loves you,
Kat
im a little sick now but God is with me so everythings alright!!! |
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| Passion Of Christ |
[Mar. 5th, 2004|09:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Beautiful Scandolous Night---Catrina Anderson | ] |
well the Passion was an awesome movie. So great. I felt so convicted at watching the movie. I wish it was me. He certainly didn't deserve to be treated like that. I certainly deserved that kind of death more than Jesus did. But he did it to save me and to save everyone. It really taught me. taught me how to appreciate him so much more. i mean wow you get there and you wonder who you would have been. john, judas, mary, the other woman, the pharisee, pilot, the roman guards, the crowd, peter. you really start to think. man its so touching. never seen anything like it before. think if you were there. if you saw every drop of blood that he shed for everyone. God truly is amazing. Jesus is wonderful. I love him so much. well God bless. luvs.
Jesus loves you
Kat |
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| Tired of Being Used. |
[Mar. 2nd, 2004|10:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Eamon and EvanEssence | ] |
Sick of this life sometimes. Its really started bugging me. I am tired of being freaking used. I don't want to play this game no more. It's like just cause I'm nice to people they think they can take advantage of me. What the crap. Does no one have a heart. They've just failed to use it is what I think. Don't screw the people but their intention. I'm sick of it. Can't people learn to have compassion. Then they never see that they did anything wrong. They think they can use you and you don't have feelings. They can just push you around, get what they want, and then still be your friend. Im really sick of this. I can't stand it anymore. It sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. Screw it. Im done dealing with this crap. Done dealing with the people i love screwing me over all the time. Dangit haven't I been through enough. Just stop. I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong in my life. I don't want the abuse no more, I don't want the being used no more, I don't want to be lied to no more. Don't want to be here right now. Just want to run away. Just want to leave. |
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| Home was great!!! |
[Feb. 8th, 2004|08:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Have You Ever----Brandy | ] |
It was so nice to go home for a while. I am glad to come back too. I saw Chris. He just got back from boot camp. I didn't think I still had feelings for him. Shows me how much I know. Oh well it's just always going to be that way. I mean he sat right behind. I got that kind of feeling where you don't think you can breathe. I was like this has got to stop. I don't need him in my life. He only screwed things up for me. Yet I still loved him. I always pick the wrong guys. I can pick out the right guys for everyone else but I am blind when it comes to me. I hate it. Nope do not need to think about him. I want to stop thinking about all guys and just focus on God and school. That's all. Bought Mario some pillows this weekend. lol. I know I'm crazy. Today's lesson was about prayer and that was interesting. To think about prayer in a different way was cool. Well Lata.
God bless and Jesus luvs you
Kat |
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| Day Is Almost Done |
[Feb. 4th, 2004|07:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Catrina Anderson---Beautiful Scandolous Night | ] |
Today was hard. I am glad it is almost over. Today has been to much for me to handle. My mom says she's coming tomorrow night to pick me up and take me home. I can't wait. I am ready to come home and get away from all this stress. That's what it is all right now. Glad to get away. Happy to go home. It's only for a few days but it will bring some relief at least. Amen hallelujah.
Found a new verse last night during my devotin that I really like!!! It is from Romans 8:35-39
Who shall serperate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: For you sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we ware more than conquerers through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life,neither angels nor demons, niether the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord.
Amen that is a really good passage. I love it. It just reminds me no matter what God is always going to be there for me.
Quote for today:
Life is hard sometimes. Give it to God. Let him lighten your load. He will satisfy.
God bless and Jesus luvs you
Kitty |
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| Snow Queen |
[Feb. 3rd, 2004|11:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Catrina Anderson---Beautiful Scandolous Night | ] |
Snow Queen
Head postined in hand
curled to his image
lost in never land
she whispers the
snow to appear
God pleases
tucked in her
dreams
she crys
she fades
away
God holds her close
her cold skin
remains
her heart warm
tears turn to ice
lips change purple
mind loses control
She's lost
Snow Queen
wants salvation
Quote---Find Jesus. Find salvation. He will love you forever. Always going to be there.
God bless.
Kat |
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| Panthers and Days |
[Feb. 2nd, 2004|06:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jagged Edge---All Out Of Love | ] |
Well the superbowl was a great game. It sucked at the end cause my team lost. Oh well they played great and had a good time. They rocked. Go Panthers. Oh yeah. Today has been one of those days you just feel like passing out. Lol. Well I'm still here that's a good thing. I need a long nap. I don't want to wake up for three or four days. Just let time pass and not have to deal with people. That would be nice. I think I'm done with the whole guy liking thing for now. I just want a break. If something comes up or happens I can go with out. I don't feel like looking or trying anymore. I always fall for the wrong ones anyways. You know the jerks. I looked back at my ex and was like what was I thinking? lol. glad im done with him. Just can't wait to go to sleep tonight. Need a chance to get my thoughts away from this world.
quote for today:
sleep amen....hallelujah
yeah i came up with that one myself
God bless
Kat |
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| Life---Ain't It Funny |
[Feb. 1st, 2004|04:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dido---White Flag | ] |
It's funny you know being a Christian. I went to church with Tiff and John this morning. Got up in the choir loft and sang. We sang They'll know were Chrisitians when. It got me to thinking. I got to church almost every Sunday. Put on my clothes and take my Bible. Sit in the pew take in the sermon and then leave. I think about God alot and pray to him. I try to witness to others. But its funny how it seems that he takes 2nd place to everything else in my life. I went up to the altar and dipped the bread in the grape juice for communion. I knelt down at the altar and prayed. I felt nothing. For the first time in my life I felt nothing at church. I knew there was something wrong with my relationship with God. There has never been that kind of void. So I asked him to change me again. It's funny this life we live. I only want to please Jesus. How can I want to disappoint him after all he did for me? I can't choose to continue in a life of sin. My sin helped cause his death.
The Naked Truth
Ashamed,broken
the naked truth
is i put the nail
in your left hand
watched you bleed
mocked you,turned my back
surrendered to the evil
and cursed your name
threw the rocks
that hit your face
put the thorns
through your skull
rolled the stone
to close you out
forgot you died
for me
saw you shed
forgiving tears
you mourned for
my soul
so here i am
the naked truth
is i spate in
your face
and you still
died for me.
This is how I feel about Jesus. I am not worthy of his love or his forgiveness. He still loves me though and still forgives. He is my savior. I will try to live my life for his purpose. I hope that he will keep changing me for the better. |
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| Dad |
[Jan. 29th, 2004|12:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | worried | ] |
| [ | music |
| | His Eye Is On The Sparrow and Lean On Me | ] |
I wish I could be home right now. My dad had surgery today. No car sucks. If I could I would be there right now. It wouldn't matter about anything esle. I would just be home. I hope hes ok. The doctors told him he has arthritis and that even with the surgery problems are still going to appear all the time. I hope he doesn't get depressed. He probably wishes I was there too. I don't like this thing of being at college with no car and being able to go home when I need too. I miss him and love him.
God bless everyone.
Kat |
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| Clutz |
[Jan. 28th, 2004|06:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Aretha Franklin---Respect | ] |
Today has been one of those days!!!!!!!!!!!! You know where everything is screwed up. I slipped on ice quite a few times. Left my keys in my friends room. Tripped on the stairs. Missed class. Best of all I bumped my head in the shower. lol. What a day. I'm still alive though. Hallelujah praise Jesus. God is probably laughing at me. That's what I am best at though making people laugh these days. I was dancing earlier to Aretha Franklin Respect in my room. Lol. People probably thought I was a little off the wall today. Oh well its me it happens. See I think God makes people like me so he can have comic relief from the rest of the world. While everyone is trashing there lives and screwing things up. Here I am bumping my head in the shower and he just laughs. I don't blame him for making a person like me. God bless everyone.
Jesus luvs you,
Kat |
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| hi |
[Oct. 4th, 2003|06:03 pm] |
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I am tired. Today has been long and tiring. It was a fun week though. Got scared and had fun with Tiff and Erica. Got some great new music. Got my cartlidge pierced and it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it was going to. I miss everyone at home though and can't wait to go see them. Well got to run. Lata. God bless everyone. |
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usherlover's journal